Succulent Hobbitness
by BARA
Summary: Come on... you know you want to read it. Not only succulent hobbits! Succulent elves! Succulent Aragorns!!! Succulent... um... Gandalfs? R+R!!!
1. Chapter I: Upper Earth

Chapter I

In the realm of Upper Earth there land lies divided among four warrior countries, among four rings.

Mars, with the Ruling Ring. One ring with the power to cause the land to tremble and the people to bow. One ring with the power to rule them all.

Kontu possesses the Jumping Ring. This ring would allow the wearer to jump any distance, letting them scour the ground for their enemies.

Ares controls the Power Ring, which allows the wearer to have incredible strength to help on the battlefield.

Thor owns the Shadow Ring, which allows the controller to disappear into surrounding shadows for protection.

__

One Ring to rule them all,

One Ring to find them

One Ring to bring them all,

And in the darkness bind them.

Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ

"This war is foolishness!"Princess Cap cried, tears welling up in her eyes."It has gone on far too long! How many men have we lost, and who can remember when or why this battle began?"

She looked imploringly at the only other occupants of the room: Princesses Pike, Vi and Aqua of the continents Thor, Ares and Mars.

"It began because each of our contries want the Ring,"Princess Pike said darkly."Are you saying you wish to give up fighting for them?"

"It has never been my wish to fight for things that do not belong to me,"Cap shot back."I do not want my people to suffer because of the selfishness of my ancestors."

"But if you withdraw from the war our soldiers will besiege your castle,"Vi pointed out, gesturing to Aqua and Pike."They will take the Ring unless you fight back."

"That is why I am asking you all to stop!"Cap shouted."I swear not to attack your countries! Can't you see that all I want it peace?"

"I'll never give up!"Pike snarled, slamming her fist down on the table."I want those Rings!"

"I'll only stop if the others do,"Aqua said.

"Me too!"Vi exclaimed.

"Fools!"Cap snapped."We haven't seen peace in this country for five hundred years!"

"But what of the Ring of Middle Earth?"Aqua asked."Do not each of us want to find it?"

"I was told that it was only a myth,"Vi said."And even if it wasn't, how should we be able to find it? Many have looked, but none have succeeded in discovering it."

"Then what is the use of fighting each other for something that might not even exist?!"Cap demanded."If we become so involved in fighting, we will never have the time to search for it."

"I don't care about that,"Pike said impatiently, waving the matter aside."Why is the Ring so important to you? Why don't you give it to me?"

"Because with this Ring I can protect the people of Kontu!"Cap exclaimed."Isn't that why each of you want to keep your Rings?"

"No,"Pike sneered."I wish to be the most powerful queen the world will ever see."

"You're not a queen yet, unless the rumours are true and you killed your father,"Vi scoffed.

"How dare you make such an assumption!"Pike pulled out her two mallets and brandished them while Vi fell into a fighting stance.

"Princesses, may I remind you of the fact that this is a peace conference?"Aqua said calmly.

The two of them glared at each other and sat down.

"How do you intend to find this One Ring?"Cap demanded."Must I remind you that myths are not based on fact?"

"But it must exist!"Vi protested."The story has been passed down in my family for generations."

"Are you saying it's a legend, then?"Aqua asked.

"Perhaps,"Vi shrugged."In any case, maybe we could band together to find it."

"Never!"Pike shrieked, getting up so fast she knocked her chair over."I will never help you find something so precious, only to have one of you steal it from me!"

"Calm yourself, princess!"Aqua said sternly."I can already tell that you are strongly opposed to ending this war."

"You're very observant,"Pike snapped.

"And you obviously aren't,"Vi scowled."f you wish power, you already have it. If you do obtain the One Ring, all it will cause is destruction. Yes, you might become the most feared princess ever, but you are too selfish to think about what would happen to your people!"

"My people are worthless serfs,"Pike snarled.

"And without the serfs, who would plow your fields and sow your grains?"Cap said angrily."Your kingdom would collapse, princess."

"Then I will take one of your countries,"Pike said airily.

"Alone, princess? I find this hard to believe,"Aqua said sagely.

"No, with the armies of the shadows. You shall all fall before the wrath of Thor!"Pike jumped up, slipping on her ring while drawing out her mallets.

"You will _never_ take over our countries! You will never be able to with such unpure thoughts!"Vi spat."Will you not agree to – what was that?!"

"Treachery!"Pike screamed."Capricorn set her forced against us when we wouldn't readily agree!"

The ground shook and cracked underneath them. The four princesses fell down towards a fate unknown.

Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ

Cap sat up and looked around. She was surrounded by tall grass. Vi, Pike and Aqua were also there, rubbing their heads and picking grass out of their hair.

"What is going on…?"Vi asked, observing the field full of long grass."The grass doesn't grow like this in Upper Earth."

"That's because we aren't in Upper Earth, nimrod,"Pike snapped.

"Maybe somebody around here knows where we are,"Vi continues, standing up and looking around."There are little kids running over there… and there's smoke coming out of those hills. Strange."

"Move over,"Pike said, shoving past Vi."We call that a chimney stuck in a hill. And there's a door stuck on the side of that hill. Therefore, there's a house in that hill."

Vi rolled her eyes.

"That isn't very princess-like behaviour,"Aqua pointed out.

"Oh well,"Vi snapped.

They started up toward the small village of hill-houses. A cart carrying a child with dark, curly hair and a man with a long beard rumbled past as they approached the dirt road, and disappeared around a bend.

"There sure are a lot of children around here,"Aqua commented.

The house across the road from them burst open and two children came bumbling out, carrying what appeared to be tall glasses of ale. They stopped in front of the four princesses, and each did a double-take.

"Blimey!"said the short one."Those sure are tall people!"

"Do you think they're Men?"asked the other.

"Men?!"Vi shrieked."We are women!"

"Calm down,"Cap said, smiling and ruffling the shorter child's hair."What is your name, little boy?"

"Pippin,"said the short one indignantly."And I'm not a boy! I'm twenty-nine years old!"

"Oh…"Cap said, standing straight."Then why are you so tiny? And why are your feet so big and hairy?"

"Those feet are revolting!"Aqua exclaimed.

"I think they're cute,"Cap said.

"I'm a Hobbit!"Pippin shouted."We're all this short. This here's Merry. He's my cousin."

"Oh, hi!"Cap exclaimed, smiling widely."I do not know what a Hobbit is, but if they are all as cute as you two, I think I like them!"

Pike rolled her eyes."Alright, Peter, would you be so kind as to tell us where we are?"

Merry frowned."His name is Pippin. And right now you are in the Shire."

The four princesses looked confused.

"There Shire?"Aqua repeated.

"I suppose you wouldn't know about us. Most of Gondor's folks don't."

"Gondor?!"

"Well, if you're not from Gondor, then where are you from?"

"We are the four princesses of Upper Earth,"Aqua said."Of the continents of Mars, Thor, Kontu and Ares."

It was Merry and Pippin's turn to look confused.

"Upper Earth?"said Merry.

"Yes, Melvin, Upper Earth,"Pike said with a certain chill in her voice she reserved for those below her – in this case, literally.

"His name's Merry!"Vi exclaimed."And hi Merry, hi Pippin. My name is Vi, and I'm the princess from Ares. Nice to meet you!"

"Hello!"they chorused.

Aqua suddenly began to act very diplomatic. She gave a small bow, more of a nod, then a formal introduction.

"Hello, my name is Aquarius of Mars, Princess of the royal kingdom."

Pike snorted."Royal kingdom? In your dreams."

"Well, my name's Capricorn,"said Cap."I am very pleased to meet you delightful creatures."

Vi muffled a laugh and said something that sounded like "flirt".

"You all seem to know each other. Are you all friends?"Pippin asked.

"Friends?!"Cap said incredulously.

Vi and Aqua were snorting, while Pike was almost doubled over in laughter.

"Look, Paul-"Pike started.

"IT'S PIPPIN!"

"Our countries have been at war for five hundred years,"Pike continued, wipin tears from her eyes."We are much more likely to kill each other than befriend each other."

  
"Merry and Pippin, would you be so kind as to show us to your leader… or perhaps elder?"Aqua asked politely.

"We have no leader. But we shall take you to Bilbo's house,"Pippin said.

"Bi – Bilbo?!"Vi said, stifling laughter.

Merry frowned."Why do you laugh?"

"Well… Bilbo is a very odd name,"Cap admitted."None in our world go by that name."

"None go by your names in Middle Earth,"Pippin said sourly.

"Middle Earth?!"Pike said excitedly."Do you know where I can find the One Ring?!"

Merry and Pippin looked blank.

"The One Ring?"Merry said quizzically."What is that?"

"I told you it didn't exist!"Cap hissed.

"Well it was worth a shot,"Aqua sighed.

"Five hundred years of war for nothing,"Cap said, downcast.

"What is this 'One Ring'?"Merry asked.

"Well, our kingdoms, as you know, have been at war for five hundred years. The reason we've been at war is because we each wanted the One Ring, which is supposedly here,"Vi said."But we have also been fighting for each other's rings." She pulled out a chain from around her neck with a silver ring on it."This – this is the Ring of Power. Around, cold blue markings appear on it."

"Give that here!"Pike growled.

"Nope!"Vi said.

"Please stop fighting!"Cap wailed."Let us at least try to get along while we figure out a way to return home."

Pike rolled her eyes."I'm tired of you trying to get us all to be friends! It is never going to happen, do you not see? I want all of your rings, and I refure to give up until I have them and the One Ring."

"Oh, piss off!"Vi shouted."Get a life for a few seconds so we can at least figure out what's going on here." She turned to Merry and Pippin."Can you two please take us to Mister Bilbo?"

Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ

A few minutes later, the four of them were standing outside a hill with a door placed on it.

"Oh, how quaint!"Cap gushed.

The six of them walked up to the door and Aqua knocked loudly.

"NO VISITORS!"screeched a voice from inside.

"Mr. Bilbo, this is very important!"Aqua said.

The large door swung open."Who are you? What do you want?"

Pippin stepped forward."We have brought these four ladies to you, as they have expressed to us a matter of concern."

"Yes, Mr. Bilbo, do you mind if we step inside?"Vi asked."This may take awhile to explain."

Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ

Author's Notes: The title is only temporary. And don't hate us.


	2. Chapter II: Party in the Shire

Chapter II

"Sir, we are all princesses from Upper Earth. We were in the middle of a peace conference when the ground suddenly opened and we fell through! We then saw these two hobbits, and they instructed us to come see you,"Aqua explained."Please, tell me, do you know of the One Ring?"

"The One Ring,"Bilbo said quietly, placing his hand in his vest pocket."No – no, I can't say that I do."

Vi's brow furrowed and she looked at him strangely. She somehow knew that he wasn't entirely telling the truth. "Oh, that's too bad – you see, Bilbo, the four of us have been trying to find it. Our countries have been at war for five hundred years for the Ring. And each other's Rings, too."

"What do you mean?"Bilbo asked.

"We each possess one ring,"Cap explained, pulling a chain out from beneath her clothes."Each has their own power. Some of us," she glared at Pike, "wish to kill others to gain possession of other rings."

"That is extremely interesting. Do you four wish to come to my birthday party tonight?"Bilbo asked.

"Sure! I will!"Vi exclaimed.

"Of course,"Aqua said.

"I'll be there,"Cap nodded.

"Whatever,"Pike muttered.

Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ

Pike sat sullenly on a chair amid the festivities. Thuis wasn't what she had been trained for. Bloodshed, war, rule, _that_ was her calling. The rest of the "princesses" had run off with the small creatures – bobbins, or something along those lines. Names had never been her strong suit.

She hardly even noticed as one of the "bobbins" approached.

"Hello, my name is Frodo Baggins,"it said.

Pike looked at him and sneered. The "bobbin" had hair that looked as though it hadn't been combed in ages.

"What do _you_ want?"she said frostily.

"I don't know,"the bobbin named Frodo shrugged."I thought you looked a bit lonely, so I thought I would…"

Pike snarled."Did it occur to you that maybe I wanted to be left alone?"

"Well… I…"Frodo faltered.

"Please go away,"Pike said coldly."I do not wish to speak to you unless you have some information on the One Ring."

Frodo looked genuinely hurt. He shuffled his large, hairy feet and directed his gaze to the ground.

"It's just that… well, we never get folk from Gondor in these parts,"Frodo said finally.

"I'm not from Gondor,"Pike snapped."I'm from the continent of Thor, in the land of Upper Earth. One day, I will be the most powerful queen to rule on that continent."

Someone started laughing behind them. "Yeah, on _your_ continent – we each rule one, but you'll never be the most powerful in Upper Earth."

Pike whirled around and saw Vi standing there.

"Hi,"said Vi, holding out her hand."I'm Vi."

The hobbit accepted it. "I'm Frodo Baggins!"

Pike snorted. "Virgo, why do you have to go making friends with every damn person you see?"

"Because I'm a friendly kid!"Vi smiled.

"You do not look like a child!"Frodo said, shocked.

"Huh? Oh, I'm seventeen. I still consider myself a kid,"she said.

"Seventeen is no fit age to be a warrior princess,"Pike said with an air of authority.

"And how old are you, twenty-two?"Frodo asked curiously.

"Hardly,"Pike scowled."I'm twenty-seven."

"You look young for your age,"Frodo said.

"I take that as an insult,"Pike said, stomping off.

"Sorry, Frodo – she has a few problems up here,"Vi said, tapping her temple. She saw him still looking downcast."Oooh, do you _like_ her, Frodo?"

"I – ah…"Frodo blushed.

"Aha!"Vi exclaimed."Don't worry. I won't tell her."

Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ

Cap and Aqua were standing nervously near a tent while Merry and pippin planned to steal a firework.

"I will have no part in a theft,"Cap said.

"This isn't theft!"Merry said."It's… uh… borrowing! Yeah, that's right…"

"Oh, dear,"Cap sighed.

Merry and Pippin opened the tent flap and went inside. Cap followed reluctantly, while Aqua remained outside. Merry threw Pippin up on top of the fireworks.

"Maybe this isn't such a good idea,"Cap said nervously."What if you blow yourselves up or something?"

"Don't worry!"Merry exclaimed.

Pippin found a big red one and handed it to Merry. He pulled out a match and lit the firework.

"It's supposed to be in the ground,"Merry hissed.

"It is in the ground!"

"Outside!"

"This was your idea!"

The firework went off and flew into the sky. Pippin screamed and ducked. Cap dove to the ground along with Aqua.

"I told you we'd get blown up!"she screeched.

"We're all still alive!"Merry shouted back.

The four of them watched as a dragon appeared out of the firework, flew out over the water and burst into reddish sparks and sparkled.

"Let's get another one!"Pippin exclaimed.

Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ

"Frodo, why don't you ask her to dance?"Vi winked, giving him a little push towards Pike.

"She'll say no, though!"Frodo said.

"You just told Sam to go dance – now I'm telling you to go dance,"Vi smiled.

"She won't, there's no use,"Frodo sighed.

"Well, then I'll dance with you!"Vi smiled.

Frodo grinned and the two went spinning and laughing.

Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ

Pike was sitting on a bench, watching the festivities with a sour face. People had come up to her and asked for a dance, but she refused rather rudely. Vi plopped down next to her, smiling.

"Vi, do you make friends with everyone?"Pike snarled.

"Yes!"Vi beamed."Now go dance with Frodo!"

"No,"she growled, starting to walk away.

"You're so mean, one little dance won't kill you."

"I am supposed to believe you _why_?"

Vi stuck out her tongue and ran back towards the dancing.

"Hm… kids these days."

Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ

Aqua and Cap were busy washing dishes and cups from the party. Pippin and Merry were piling up the washed ones all under the watchful eye of Gandalf.

"I knew we'd get in trouble,"Cap grumbled.

"What if word of this gets out?!"Aqua said frantically."My father could hear and I'll be disgraced and… and…"

"Getting blown up would have been much more pleasant than this,"Cap grumbled some more.

Clapping came from the direction of the party.

"Speech!"Speech!"

Cap groaned."Why are they so anxious to hear a speech?!"

"Speeches are wonderful!"Aqua gasped, clasping her hands so tightly that dishsoap flew into the eye of a very disgruntled Cap."I wonder what Mr. Bilbo has to say?"

"I regret to inform you that I am leaving!"Bilbo announced."I bid you all a very fond farewell."

A moment later, such a commotion arose that Cap dropped a stack of dishes on Aqua's hand.

"What's going on?"Aqua exclaimed, cradling her injured hand."Wasn't Mr. Bilbo giving a speech?"

"Meh…"Cap said disinterestedly."They're all drunk. What do you expect? I bet the chairs are flying riiight now…"

Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ

"The One Ring!"Vi and Pike gasped in unison.

"I knew he wasn't telling the truth!"Vi exclaimed.

The two of them ran off to Bilbo's hill house. Vi jumped the fence, followed by Pike, and they saw the door open by invisible hands. The two of them stepped into the house and saw Bilbo and Gandalf talking.

"Give me the Ring!"Pike snarled.

"Mr. Bilbo, why did you lie?"Vi asked quietly.

"It's mine!"he said.

"You are leaving the Ring for Frodo,"Gandalf said sternly.

"Yes, yes, it's in an envelope on the mantelpiece."

Pike made a move for it, but Vi held her back.

"Let go of me, fool, I must obtain that Ring,"Pike snarled, straining against Vi to no avail.

"Struggle all you like, I'm using _my_ Ring now, and there's no way you'll get out."

"Bitch."

Bilbo and Gandalf looked at the two in shock.

"What?"Pike growled, trying to get free again."Is there something on my face?"

"You have a ring?"Gandalf asked.

"Yes, I do. We all do!"Vi exclaimed.

"May I please see them?"

"You're just going to steal them,"Pike snarled.

"No I will _not_!"Gandalf said. Vi took off her Ring and handed it to Gandalf."One Ring to bring them all…"

Pike begrudgingly tossed him her ring while looking ready to pounce.

"And in the darkness bind them,"Gandalf said, turning the ring in his hand.

"There, you read it, now you can give it back,"Pike hissed, sticking out her hand.

"Of course, you can both have your Rings back."

He handed them their Rings and Vi attached it to the chain around her neck. Pike growled as she put hers in her pocket. Bilbo dropped his Ring on the floor. Vi grabbed Pike's shoulder to stop her from trying to take it.

"I think I've found an ending to my book,"Bilbo said."'And he lived happily ever after'."

He left. Gandalf smoked.

"Give me the Ring!"Pike snarled.

"No,"Vi growled.

"I want both of you to keep the Rings to yourselves and not tell Frodo of the Ring's presence here,"Gandalf said.

"No promises,"Pike snarled as she exited.

"I'll try,"Vi mumbled before following Pike.

Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ

Frodo stepped into Bag End, and noticed a ring at his feet. He picked it up and said:

"He's gone, isn't he? Gandalf?"

"My precious,"he muttered, smoking his pipe.

"Bilbo's gone,"Frodo repeated."He always talked about leaving. But I never thought he actually would."

Gandalf turned to Frodo."Bilbo's ring… it's yours now. He's left you Bag End."

He put the Ring in an envelope and stamped it closed. He handed it to Frodo, then turned to leave.

"Are you leaving already, Gandalf?"Frodo asked, setting the envelope on a table.

"Yes, there are many thigns I must attend to,"he said, exiting.

Frodo hid the envelope in his trunk under a bunch of stuff.

Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ

There was a knock on Frodo's door, and he went to answer it. He swung the door open and saw Vi standing there.

"Oh, hi Frodo!"she exclaimed.

"Hello, princess,"he smiled."Please come in."

Vi stepped inside."Um, I have a huge, huge favour to ask of you. Do you… do you midn if I stay here overnight?"

"Of course not,"he said warmly.

"Thanks,"Vi said happily.

She walked inside. Frodo closed the door. A minute later there was a knock on the door. Frodo answered it. Aqua and Cap were standing there.

"Can we please stay here tonight?"Cap asked.

"Er… of course."

Cap and Aqua walked inside. Frodo closed the door. A minute later there was a knock on the door. Frodo answered it. Pike was standing there.

"Hey, Fred, I'm staying here tonight."

Frodo sweatdropped.

"Alright…"Frodo said, stepping aside."You can share Bilbo's room, I suppose."

"Thank you, Frodo,"Cap and Aqua smiled.

Frodo showed them into a rather spacious room with a bed and a chair.

"Good night, princesses,"Frodo said hospitably before going into his own room.

The four girls looked at each other before running to the bed in hopes of claiming it. Aqua dove and landed on the bed while Cap grabbed the chair.

"Meanies,"Vi moaned as she sat on the floor.

There was a loud "clunk" and Pike dropped her armour and used it as a pillow. Vi grabbed a pillow off the bed and stuck it under her head and immediately fell asleep. The rest of them soon followed.

Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ*+*Þ

Frodo stepped into the kitchen and bit into a sour green apple. _I wonder why they all came here_, he thought. _There's an inn in the Shire. Hmm, maybe they don't have this currency. Yes, that's rpobably why._

He sat and ate his apple quietly, thinking about the princesses. He finished his apple and threw it out the window, watching birds quickly fly towards it.

He silently padded over to Bilbo's room to check up on the sleeping princesses. Frodo looked into the room and saw that they were each asleep. His gaze stopped on each of them for a few seconds. He stopped the longest next to Pike. He reached down and touched her cheek. Pike's eyes snapped open, her hand flew up and she grabbed Frodo's fingers, crushing them.

"Don't. Touch. Me,"she said slowly.

"I – I – I'm sorry! I-"

Frodo turned and fled. Pike snarled as she slipped on her armour. She grabbed her mallet and started to follow Frodo, ignoring the fact that one of the others had begun to stir.

****

Author's Notes: Lalalala… I don't know what to say.


	3. Chapter III: A Run in the Woods

****

Chapter III

Frodo dashed into his bedroom. He was oblivious to the noise of someone searching the other rooms.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

"I will kill that infidel!" Pike raged. "I will ripoffhisheadanddrinkhisblood!"

She was nearly unintelligible as she raved, however someone seemed to understand.

"That's not very nice," Vi scolded, pulling Pike away from the doorframe.

"He touched me, which is unforgivable!" Pike snarled, trying to pull away.

"Didn't you listen before? You are no match for me," Vi said. "Now go back to bed, and don't you dare hurt Frodo."

"HE TOUCHED ME! HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH ME! I AM A PRINCESS!" Pike roared.

"Get a life! He touched your cheek!" Vi said. "It's not going to kill you. Now, go back to bed and I'll go talk to him."

Pike snarled and headed back to Bilbo's room, and Vi went in search of Frodo. When she found his room, she knocked on the doorframe and called out "Frodo?"

"Yes?"

"Pike is out to kill you, so watch out!"

"Is that so?"

"Why do you sound so calm?"

"Because I plan to win her over with my unparalleled cuteness."

"Good grief," Vi sighed. "What part of 'Pike is trying to kill you' do you not understand? She isn't playing around."

"Deep down, I'm sure she is very nice and insecure, so she hides herself behind a wall of violence to protect herself."

"Frodo, I think the nice, insecure part of Pike died when she was about three. Be careful, I can't protect you all the time," Vi said, starting to leave.

"Thank you for your concern, but I think I'll be alright."

"If you say so. Goodnight, Frodo."

"Goodnight Vi."

Vi sighed and headed back to Bilbo's room, falling asleep quickly.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Frodo woke up and went to check on the princesses. He looked into the room and was surprised to see no one there.

He headed into the kitchen and looked out the window, and saw Cap and Aqua walking and talking.

__

I wonder if Pike is really trying to kill me, Frodo thought. _Just for touching her cheek?_ He went around making his breakfast, eating when it was done.

Gandalf barged into the house and stuck his ugly mug into Frodo's face.

"Is it secret? Is it safe?"

"Here, look!"

Frodo showed Gandalf the ring. It was a ring.

"Take it! I'm giving it to you!"

"I DARE NOT TAKE IT! DO NOT TEMPT ME WITH YOUR SUCCULENT HOBBITNESS!"

"Okay."

Frodo put the ring back in his pocket.

"It cannot stay in the Shire," he said.

"No! No, it can't!"

"What must I do?"

"You must take it away," Gandalf said before the four princesses barged in.

"Where is Mr. Frodo going?" Aqua asked.

"To Bree. He must get the ring out of the Shire. But he can't travel alone. Can I trust you to help him?" Gandalf asked, warily eyeing Pike.

"Don't worry, we can take care of him," Vi said, and as an after note, "and keep an eye on her." She gestured to Pike.

"I'll be waiting for you at the inn of the Prancing Pony," Gandalf said.

There was a rustling in the bushes behind Frodo's window.

"Get down!" Gandalf said.

Frodo dropped to the floor. Gandalf grabbed a collar and pulled a person into the kitchen. A quivering, fat hobbit lay on the floor.

"Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee!" roared Gandalf.

"I swear I didn't hear anything!" Sam whined. "That is, I heard a good deal about a ring, a dark lord and the end of the world. Don't hurt me! Don't turn me into anything unnatural." ****

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Five minutes later, they were all standing in a forest.

"We will meet in the inn of the Prancing Pony," Gandalf reminded them. "Do not put the ring on, Frodo. The birds and the bees are watching."

Pike snorted, and Vi slapped her upside the head. The six then started walking, eventually arriving at a cornfield. Partway through, Sam stopped abruptly, causing Aqua to fall down.

"What!" Aqua demanded impatiently. "Why did you stop?"

"If I take one more step, I'll be farther out of the Shire than I've ever been before."

Frodo looked understanding, but all of the princesses looked annoyed.

"Get a hold of yourself!" Pike said, shoving past him. "It's only a cornfield."

"Go Sam!" Aqua and Vi laughed.

Sam took a deep breath, and stepped past the cornfield. Vi clapped and cheered, causing Pike to roll her eyes, and Sam to blush. The six of them then carried on; Pike and Vi in the front, followed by Frodo and Sam, with Aqua and Cap taking the rear. At nightfall, they stopped for a rest. Pike volunteered for first watch, Vi for second.

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The next day found them walking through more cornfields.

"Mr. Frodo!" Sam screamed, starting to run, his fat flying around everywhere. "MR. FRODO! Where are you?!"

"Sam, calm down," Cap said soothingly.

"I'm right here, Sam," Frodo said, popping out of the cornstalks. The situation may have been commented on if the ambush had not taken place.

Merry and Pippin chose that moment to come barging through. Merry landed on Frodo, while Pippin flew onto Cap, face a bit below the shoulders. It was a miracle that Pippin came out in one piece.

"Ack, where is that little molester?!" Cap screeched, blushing and trying to attack Pippin.

"Eeek!" Pippin squeaked.

Aqua held Cap back, and said, "Don't kill him, it would be an unwise decision."

Cap calmed down and apologized to Pippin. Vi was laughing, almost doubled over.

"Children," Pike muttered.

"You've been into Farmer Maggot's crops!" Sam said accusingly.

Merry and Pippin shoved the veggies into Sam's hands and took off. The rest followed.

"It was only some potatoes!" Pippin shouted.

"And some cabbage!"

"Oh, and those radishes…"

"And carrots!"

They suddenly stopped. Sam ran into them, and his chubbiness sent them all flying over the edge of the cliff.

"Ouch," Vi groaned, rubbing the end of her spine.

"I think I've broken something. Ouh." Merry pulled a carrot out from under him.

"Look! Mushrooms!" Sam exclaimed.

Merry and Pippin dashed after him, falling upon the fungi.

"What's so fabulous about mushrooms?" Aqua said, dusting herself off.

"They probably think they're magic or something. Did you see them jump on them? Trying to sniff them as fast as possible?" Cap rolled her eyes.

Vi laughed.

"Get off the road!" QUICK!" Frodo exclaimed.

The six of them jumped under an old rotten log, pressing themselves against the dirt. A black rider leaned down above the log and sniffed. Merry threw a bag of mushrooms to the side, drawing the Black Rider towards it. They took that opportunity to run deep into the woods.

"What's going on?" Pippin asked tiredly, sitting on the ground.

"Those Black Riders were after something," Merry said.

"We need to get to the inn of the Prancing Pony. In the village of Bree," Frodo told him.

Merry nodded. "Right. Bucklebury Ferry."

They started running.

****

Author's Notes: Lalalala. We don't know what to say.

****

OUTTAKES!!!! (From the paragraph with the star)

"Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee!" Gandalf roared.

"I swear I didn't hear anything," Sam whined. "That is, I heard a good deal about a ring, a dark lord, and the end of the world. Please don't hurt me! Don't turn me into anything unnatural. And succulent hobbitness."

"Yum."

"I'm psychic," Sam explained.

"Oh, yes?"


End file.
